letting go

sometimes being prepared means you are scared to let go. how much we carry is often directly related to how little we trust in life to guide us well and in others to help us out in a pinch. traveling light yields a richer experience.

birthday

not sure what to expect or what kind of plans to make.... getting older my friends dont live around here anymore and I'm just not sure or anything...;
my family is a pain and i probably wont go to see them.,... it just takes too much out of me.

(never going to get this)birthday wish list:
tattoo
new haircut/dye
trader joe's cook book
roller skates
my furniture from my mom's house too.

nothing too extravagant just somethings i'd like.  feel like i need to start doing things on my own. im too dependent on rob and its annoying. i want to learn how to cook and start making things and having my own activities. i will be driving soon and i think that will help but idk...

terrible thing

You don't let me sleep 
And when you do it's just teeth-falling-out nightmares

dinner party

watched big fish tonight. horrible results.
we were at dinner. there were inappropriate comments. I left with a rage and started to break everything within reach.  a mirror shattered on me. blood was everywhere. Everything was a horrible pain. I had to keep moving or else it was too painful. someone grabbed me and was keeping me from screaming and getting away.... It was the two of them.... struggling to keep me injured and for their own. One wanted me to die. One to nurse me back to health only to do it all over again.
Somehow found myself in galoshes and a towel. Both coated in blood instantly. was laid down and told not to move but the lesss i moved the more it hurt and the more it would heal. I was scared but I thought I wanted to die., Thought that would make things berttter. who knows. this was awful. the emotion was right there when i woke up i thought i was bleeding since the sheets were wet but it was just tears.

change...

its crazy how people lately come into my life and drop some serious knowledge within minutes of me having a conversation with them.... I am the queen of TMI but maybe it can be a good thing. Knowledge allows us to grow as people. Sharing experiences with people ( I think) helps me develop my own self.
who the fuck knows anymore.

now walk it out..

i wish that dressing up was still a part of my job. :( at this point in time my finances leave me no room to spend money on "frivolous" things like these amazing shoes. time to be a grown up, buckle down and get used to public transportation.

Walk Off Some Steam Wedge-Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage Clothes

miss miss miss you

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

seaweeds.

the currents pull me in the tide has reached my chin the seaweed tickles skin just let the water win
I'm freezing to the bone.

would you like to run away and try to forget?

We're finally drunk enough that, we're finally soaking up, the hours that everyone else throws away.
And if we have to go now, I guess there's always hope, tomorrow night will be more of the same.

This night is winding down but time means nothing, as always at this hour
Time means nothing, one final final round cos time means nothing,
Say that you'll stay.

all i could do is put a seashell to your ear

making pictures is a kind of gentle hunt to find all the things i tucked away in that endless vast mansion i call my subconscious. i am just going around turning on all the lights in all the rooms and helping those memories to be their best and be calm and happy.

tired.

so how much difference could it possibly make, yah, how much effort could it possibly take to save me from sailing over the edge?


the mirrors images manipulating my thought, lost in the dark...searching for a light but only darkness comes. i feel your presence but we both know you're not really there. oh, how i miss you.  if i could see you once more even only if in my slumber... we were cheated. 

there is a hole in my heart.  i want to be whole.


happiness comes and goes so quickly. i haven't been living. i'm just doing. i miss your enthusiasm. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. first things first, one thing at a time. i wish i could hear you again. i wish you were here again.

( )

yes, he hit me and it felt like a kiss. he hit me and I knew I loved him. and then he took me in his arms with all the tenderness there is, and when he kissed me, he made me his.

i drink too much and smoke too fast.

had a strange dream this morning and it reminded me of this song.  i forgot how much i love the video.

i would like to continue....

le retour

I haven’t slept in so long. When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean, Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down, Inside these arms of yours.

cant bring myself to fly away.

dont let heavy hearts pile up on you but how can i when i'm too scared to speak
i cried all night but i put in too much to turn away now ive been waiting for you to say that i am better off with out you

strange times. sinking back into a dark place. stay afloat, struggling. the dreams (nightmares) return. haunting. restless. powerless.

valises....

of pain, of loss, of hurting, anger and sadness.  regret.  too many to carry, too many to unpack

i hate the cold and i hate the distance.

lust,

I am in love with these!  This lady makes the cutest vintage stuff.... I also really like the suitcase she made into a medicine cabinet/jewelry display...







You will be tormented, melancholy, menaced, overwhelmed by an inexplicable dark feeling that something awful is going to happen. You will feel uneasy, with a sort of unease that you cannot explain. You will tend to dramatize everything, as you will be unable to get down to facing your problems. Beware of depression. You will undoubtedly unhappy, because your circle will have difficulty understanding you.

i cannot wait until march 5th- alice in wonderland comes out!, and then march 8th- ted leo's new album comes out... which i've been dying to hear since i saw him... check out this song <3 <3

tired and wired...

we ruin too easy, sleep in our clothes and wait for  winter to leave....



 can't wait for warm weather....
port.

WHOA

screaming females on tour with ted leo........ WHAT?

so much wickedness and sin.

not entirely sure how i feel about this band yet, but i like this one song in particular....
lots of new music that i'm looking forward to, broken social scene, follow that bird, and i just got into skeeter davis. 
lately i've been going through phases with music that is old but becomes new for me... example:  murder by death the song the devil drivers... can't stop listening to it (again) they are coming out with a new album and i can't wait.


Cannot wait for it to get warm! Ugh hurry up winter and go away. I want to wear shorts and dresses. I'm tired of cold gray days and early darkness.

So I go a little overboard, but hang on to the hull.

Buried feelings and past hurts could surface and help you clear away the cobwebs of your past so that your life can be rebuilt from the ground up.