letting go

sometimes being prepared means you are scared to let go. how much we carry is often directly related to how little we trust in life to guide us well and in others to help us out in a pinch. traveling light yields a richer experience.

birthday

not sure what to expect or what kind of plans to make.... getting older my friends dont live around here anymore and I'm just not sure or anything...;
my family is a pain and i probably wont go to see them.,... it just takes too much out of me.

(never going to get this)birthday wish list:
tattoo
new haircut/dye
trader joe's cook book
roller skates
my furniture from my mom's house too.

nothing too extravagant just somethings i'd like.  feel like i need to start doing things on my own. im too dependent on rob and its annoying. i want to learn how to cook and start making things and having my own activities. i will be driving soon and i think that will help but idk...

terrible thing

You don't let me sleep 
And when you do it's just teeth-falling-out nightmares

dinner party

watched big fish tonight. horrible results.
we were at dinner. there were inappropriate comments. I left with a rage and started to break everything within reach.  a mirror shattered on me. blood was everywhere. Everything was a horrible pain. I had to keep moving or else it was too painful. someone grabbed me and was keeping me from screaming and getting away.... It was the two of them.... struggling to keep me injured and for their own. One wanted me to die. One to nurse me back to health only to do it all over again.
Somehow found myself in galoshes and a towel. Both coated in blood instantly. was laid down and told not to move but the lesss i moved the more it hurt and the more it would heal. I was scared but I thought I wanted to die., Thought that would make things berttter. who knows. this was awful. the emotion was right there when i woke up i thought i was bleeding since the sheets were wet but it was just tears.

change...

its crazy how people lately come into my life and drop some serious knowledge within minutes of me having a conversation with them.... I am the queen of TMI but maybe it can be a good thing. Knowledge allows us to grow as people. Sharing experiences with people ( I think) helps me develop my own self.
who the fuck knows anymore.

now walk it out..

i wish that dressing up was still a part of my job. :( at this point in time my finances leave me no room to spend money on "frivolous" things like these amazing shoes. time to be a grown up, buckle down and get used to public transportation.

Walk Off Some Steam Wedge-Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage Clothes

miss miss miss you

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?